Common Mistakes New Subs Make and How to Avoid Them

1. Not Knowing What You Want (or Need)

Many new subs show up saying, “Do whatever you want to me.” While it might sound like the ultimate act of submission, it actually puts both you and your Dominant in a difficult position. BDSM should be a consensual, informed experience where both parties understand each other’s boundaries.

How to Avoid It:

Take time to explore what excites you. Research different kinks, fetishes, and dynamics. Create a list of hard and soft limits, and be ready to discuss them with your Dominant before your session.

2. Ignoring or Fearing Communication

Some subs believe that once a session starts, they should be silent and obedient no matter what. This can lead to discomfort, pain beyond what’s enjoyable, or even unsafe situations. A good Dominant will want feedback to create a satisfying experience for both of you.

How to Avoid It:

Learn to express yourself before, during, and after play. Use your safe word if needed, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Aftercare conversations are also crucial letting your Dominant know what you loved (or didn’t) helps shape future experiences.

3. Confusing Submission with Weakness

Submission is a gift, not an act of weakness. Some new subs feel they must accept anything a Dominant does, even if it crosses their boundaries. Others believe they must be submissive in all areas of life, not just in play.

How to Avoid It:

Understand that submission is a choice. Strong communication, consent, and self-awareness make for a confident and empowered submissive. You should never feel forced or pressured into anything outside your comfort zone.

4. Overestimating Your Pain or Endurance Levels

Maybe you’ve watched intense BDSM scenes and think you can handle the same level of impact or restraint. In reality, everyone’s pain tolerance and endurance are different, and pushing too hard too fast can lead to injury or a negative experience.

How to Avoid It:

Start slow. Test your pain tolerance in smaller increments and communicate how you’re feeling. Let your Dominant know if something is too much, and remember that endurance builds over time.

5. Not Doing Aftercare

BDSM can bring out deep emotions and intense physical sensations. Neglecting aftercare can lead to sub-drop (a sudden emotional low) or physical soreness that lingers longer than necessary.

How to Avoid It:

Discuss aftercare needs with your Dominant beforehand. Some subs need cuddling, reassurance, or a quiet moment alone. Others benefit from physical aftercare like hydration, soothing lotions, or warm baths. Know what works for you and communicate it.

6. Trusting the Wrong Dominant

Not every Dominant has good intentions. Some may ignore limits, push unsafe practices, or simply lack the experience to handle a submissive properly. Red flags include refusing to discuss boundaries, pressuring you into activities, or dismissing your concerns.

How to Avoid It:

Vet your Dominant carefully. Ask about their experience, how they handle limits, and what their aftercare process looks like. If something feels off, trust your instincts and walk away.

7. Forgetting That Submission is a Journey

Many new subs want to dive headfirst into the deep end, trying every kink at once. But BDSM is a journey, and rushing can lead to burnout, discomfort, or even trauma.

How to Avoid It:

Pace yourself. Enjoy the process of learning, growing, and discovering what truly excites you. Each session should be an opportunity to explore at a comfortable pace.

Mistakes are a natural part of learning, but awareness can help you navigate the BDSM world safely and confidently. Being a good submissive isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being informed, communicative, and open to growth.